I guess New Year resolutions are supposed to be made on New Year's day. It's already the 4th of Jan today. But resolutions can be made all year round for all i care. Haha. I've never made resolutions because i found that i could never keep them. But these past 2 years have seen me going through alot and in fact, i realised that these "resolutions" or maybe just simple goals i've set along the way were what really got me through all the difficult times.

(I actually wrote 3 paragraphs of crap here but decided not to add them in. Too boring even for myself. lol. I shall be so very kind and save everyone the pain.)

Basically Coda brought something to mind and i chatted with Shouhan about it. She mentioned that everyone has their own place in each of their social circles. I think that's very true. We always take on different roles when we're with different groups. I don't think anyone can remain the same with every single person.

Maybe it's because the people in rj tend to be more dominant in character and i'd jus take a backseat and let them have the stage. Quite the contrary in NUS. Maybe it's simply psychological. Haha. At a recent job interview, i was supposed to discribe my character. I told the guy i'm an introvert wanting to be an extrovert. But after chatting for a while, he said maybe i'm actually an extrovert wanting to be an introvert. Riight. Is he confused or am i confused?

Moving on, 2005 was.. traumatising to say the least.

Somehow, the first half of the year seemed so insignificant because i hardly did anything special or worth remembering. So i shall jus focus on Rag.

Rag was both wonderfully wonderful and terribly terrible at the same time.
After surviving 18 days of communal living in Hanoi, I jus had to give a try at 1 month of communal living -- in HSS auditorium. Haha. 2 words. Nearly dieded. Alright. That was a joke.

But seriously, it was really quite tough on me. Psychologically that is. I've always been pretty okie with camping out and all. As in, i'm not one of those girls who die die must sleep on mattress and have private baths. Being around people 24 hours a day was tough though. We practically ate together, bathe together (same time, different baths lah.. haha) and slept together. Of course, not to mention work together. There was like, zero private time. Guess i'm really a person who needs some time alone. In a sense, I had to work alone due to the lack of helpers. And that was some sort of private time. But it got pretty lonely and stressful too. Other than being stressed out about rag work, it was terrible not being able to go home, not being able to have dinner out with him, not being able to call and chat at nite, not being able to meet up... But in the end, it made it less painful for what came after. Irony of ironies.

However, along with the stress and sweat and watever shit, sweetness came in the form of friendship. As much as i hated eating together, it was heartwarming to know that there were people who were concerned of my welfare and nagged at me to eat. As much as i hated cold showers, i'll never forget lying down on "xiao bai", on our way to SRC for our shower party, and watching the trees go pass above our heads. Nor sneaking off with Huiyi to TH or going off with Bel to Guild House for the warm shower. As much as i hated sleeping together, i miss chatting with Huiyi till we both fell asleep with our toy cats. (Okie, that's a lie, she always fell asleep first. I get insomnia. Haha.) And as much as i hated working together, the mutual encouragement and single mindedness towards our common goal was one impressive thing to experience.

Without Rag, without Huiyi and Shuohan, i could never have survived the breakup. Fine, of course i would have survived. But it would have been so much harder without them there to share all my tears and all my pain. I can't remember how many times i dragged Huiyi off to the toilet cos i couldn't stop tearing or how many times she sat with me through meal times although i hardly touched my food. Shuohan gave the most thought-provoking advices that made me think through what i really wanted in the relationship. And of course. They were there when i cried the hardest (and laughed the hardest at other times). I'll never forget Huiyi sneaking back from the toilet trying to conceal a huge bunch of toilet paper she stole for me. It even made me laugh. Haha. And they bundled me off in a cab and sent me home to have a good rest. Such darlings. :)

Patrick and Weihao did their fair bits talking to me and giving me their perspectives as guys. I learnt alot of things i've never known before, both about them and myself. It was a lousy situation but at the same time, a great time for greater bonding of these 2 friendships that i really treasure. Haha. How ironic once again.

Of course, all the sweat, tears and blood made the loss so much more painful. I cried. Couldn't help it, even though everyone in rag comm were bravely holding back their tears. I cried because i saw the seniors crying, because i saw the disappointed looks on my dancers and because... i wanted to win so much after losing the relationship. Just to prove i could do at least one thing right.

In retrospect, I don't hate Rag all that much. In fact, I don't hate Rag at all. That's why i said it was wonderfully wonderful. Haha. It's those kind of experiences that i will complain like mad while i'm still experiencing it. Now looking back at all of it, all the things i've gained from Rag has made up for all the losses and so much more. Cliche, but it really was one experience whereby i can look back on the tears, and laugh.

I know now that i'm stronger than i think i am. Or i would never have gotten my costumes done on time amongst the emotional turmoil i was going through. I know that it is true that true friends are the ones who will stick by you, rain or shine (especially rain). I've learnt to look harder for that silver lining hiding in all that dark clouds. And even if I haven't learnt any of the above, hey, at the very least, I can make skirts now. LOL. ;)

Other than rag, it was really sweet to know that people like sis, sam, amanda, limin, deb and cass were there for me in one form or another. Sis actually brought me on a shopping spree to make me feel better. Haha.

Last sem was sort of weird. In the sense that i've set out to rediscover myself. Somehow, i seemed to have lost myself along the way in the past year. Even though i did many things, i regretted not putting my wholehearted effort into them. Many things i've been wanting to do for myself, i've put off too. Simply because there were other priorities in my life at those times. Guess last sem was sort of a recuperating period for me. Come the new year, i shall set new goals to follow. Hopefully i have the conviction to see through all of them.

2006 Resolutions